relationships | Religious Refuse

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When It’s Over, It’s Just Beginning

Some say it’s just the nature of the beast
When you love somebody so passionately
Time has a way of stealing
That raging fire feeling
Leaving the ashes laying at your feet

I hate to be a spoilsport if you haven’t already figured this out, but every beginning has an ending. It is one of life’s greatest paradoxes that part of living is losing.

Whether it’s a delicious meal, a delightful conversation, or a delirious love affair, sooner or later, it’s going to be over.

Like many other things life throws our way, however, the key is how we handle it when it happens.

The end of a relationship may come suddenly like a push off a cliff or slowly like death by a thousand paper cuts. The way it ends affects how our mind, our heart, and our soul remains, but we are always left in some state of messiness. All of us are left this way. It does not matter if the parting was expected, unexpected, desired, undesired; it is messy. We can never be prepared. Our humanity has a way of smacking us in the face. And, if it was undesired (or we didn’t get to “break up first”), our ego. Oh, our ego!

You can study loss, grieving, break ups, death and dying, bereavement, and heartbreak all you want, and it won’t matter when it’s your time. You may have consoled dozens of friends and family in the same situation and can replay all the right words to yourself over and over, and it sounds just like Charlie Brown’s parents: “Whaa, whaa, whaa.”

The loss of a relationship makes us question everything. It doesn’t help when those around us, however well meaning, make comments like, “What were you thinking?” or “What did you ever see in him?” Please, friends and family, do not make these comments; we are already asking ourselves the same thing!

As a former queen of serial monogamy, I feel qualified to offer some breakup advice.

Be kind to yourself. You are not fat, ugly, unlovable, stupid, or any combination thereof. This is not the time for self-criticism. It is a good time for self-examination. There is a difference.
Surround yourself with those who care about you. Particularly if you and the recently departed spent a lot of time together and your friendship time waned, you may be hesitant to contact friends to chat and hang out. Don’t be hesitant. We’ve all been there. You need to be around those who know you well and love you. You especially need to be around those not afraid to tell you the truth.
Eat. Pray. Love. Don’t forget to eat. Don’t stop exercising. Don’t stop doing things you love. (If you can’t remember what they are, see #2.) Meditation and prayer are wonderful ways to take your mind off the radio station U247 and get some peace.
Don’t put a timeframe on your healing. It is going to take as long as it takes. It took me longer to heal from a relationship that never really was than it did to heal from a relationship of almost 10 years. You cannot predict in advance how long it will take. Yeah, that sucks. Get over it.
It will bite you in the butt when you least expect it. Somewhere down the road, long after you think you are over it, “it” will come back and bite you in the butt. Guess what? That’s okay. We want endings to be all neat and tidy, but they are not.

If you are struggling with a relationship loss, no matter the circumstances, I wish you peace and light. If there are approaches that have worked for you in dealing with losses, please share them in the comments section so we may all learn.

To our Creator,

Please comfort those who are struggling with any sort of loss. Fill that empty place with light, love, and peace. We know you are near the brokenhearted and save those crushed in spirit. Rescue us from our loneliness; let us find one another in sisterhood and brotherhood, for we are all more alike than we are different.

Amen. (Psalm 34)

Please visit the other synchroblog authors who wrote about New Beginnings for this month:

Jen Bradbury – Enough

Abbie Watters – New Beginnings

Cara Strickland – Bursting

Carol Kuniholm – Acorns, King, Beloved Community

Done With Religion – A New Year, A New Beginning

Kelly Stanley – A Blank Canvas

Glenn Hager – Overcoming The Biggest Obstacle To Reaching Your Goals

Dave Criddle – Get Some New Thinking

David Derbyshire – Changed Priorities Ahead

J A Carter – The Year of Reading Scripture for the First Time