Something people ask questions because they are really curious, sometimes they are trying to further their own agenda, sometimes they just don’t have good boundaries. I’ve pretty much heard the questions there are, I think. Here are some of my top Q&As. I have kept this purposely G-rated. If you have a sincere question you’d like to ask, feel free to leave a comment.
- To a lesbian couple, “Which one is the man?”
Most lesbians find this question very insulting. I find it humorous (because I am sick that way). Some people cannot imagine a woman-woman dynamic and can only see the world via opposite gender couple lenses. This is somewhat understandable.
The insult revolves around why a lesbian couple is not already “whole” and self-sufficient; why would it need a man? The questioner may be really asking, “Who is the primary decision maker?” or “Who takes out the trash?”
There is NO man in a lesbian couple’s partnership. If you have a question about specifics, if you are close to the couple, you might want to ask your specific question. If you don’t know the couple well, you should not be asking anything too personal, just like you would not ask a straight couple you are not close to.
- “Are you sure you just haven’t met the ‘right’ man yet? Were you hurt by a man? Did you not get along with your father? Do you hate men? How do you know you’re a lesbian if you’ve never been with a man?”
Being a lesbian is NOT how about one does or does not feel about men. It is about how one feels about women.
- Said by straight men, “Lesbians…nice, gay men…yuk.”
Some people think by saying this, they are giving out a compliment. This is NOT a compliment. When you say this, what I hear is, “I would totally dig a threesome and want to watch, but thinking about watching or being with men makes me gag.” You are making our relationships all about SEX. Is your straight relationship all about SEX?
- “Why are some lesbians with women who look like men? Why do some lesbians wear men’s clothes? Why do all lesbians like sports?”
You may have a “type,” a particular look you are attracted to. Some straight men, for example, prefer gals with larger chests, some only like brunettes. Some straight women like muscular men, some like men who are less muscular. Since lesbians are pretty much just plain ol’ peeps, each one of us has preferences too.
Some lesbians wear men’s clothes because they are more comfortable. Sometimes they cost less. Sometimes we just like the look. I, for example, have worn men’s kicks for years; they fit my feet better and there are more styles to choose from.Not all lesbians like sports. Some wouldn’t know the difference between a football and a basketball. Really! (And some women who like sports are not lesbian!)
- “Are you a butch or a femme?”
This is another question that many lesbians find insulting, and I find humorous. Again, like the question about “which is the man,” it is based on the heterosexual norm. There are some lesbian couples where a “butch-femme” paradigm is important and there are some where it is not. Some women self-identify as butch and some identify as femme, some as both, some as neither. My question to people who ask this is, “What do you REALLY want to know?”
- “Why do gays and lesbians have to flaunt their sexuality all the time? I don’t publicize what I do in the bedroom!”
This is a bit circular, but the best way I can answer this. Within the 10 days of joining a new company, I know who just about all the straight people are, and no one has said one thing about their bedroom. I know because people have photos on their desks and talk about what they did the night before (“My wife and I went to Johnny’s last night, and the pizza was not as good as usual.”) or over the weekend. (“My husband and I spent all day getting three kids to three different soccer games.”)So, if I have pictures of my family on my desk or talk about my wife, what am I flaunting?
- And, the “biggie” – “Don’t you know what the Bible says about homosexuality?”
Yes, I do, and I did even before I spent 7.5 years in seminary getting my Masters of Divinity. Somehow, many straight people seem to think that a) gays and lesbians have no Biblical literacy or b) care what they think the Bible says about homosexuality.I have no intention in this post to get into what is a sin and what is not. Like many gays and lesbians, I’ve struggled with my faith and my sexuality. Like many, but not as many as I’d hope, I have reconciled what were once conflicting feelings.
That’s all I’m going to say on this topic for now….