Religious Refuse

Something people ask questions because they are really curious, sometimes they are trying to further their own agenda, sometimes they just don’t have good boundaries. I’ve pretty much heard the questions there are, I think. Here are some of my top Q&As. I have kept this purposely G-rated. If you have a sincere question you’d like to ask, feel free to leave a comment.

• To a lesbian couple, “Which one is the man?”

          Most lesbians find this question very insulting. I find it humorous (because I am sick that way). Some people cannot imagine a woman-woman dynamic and can only see the world via opposite gender couple lenses. This is somewhat understandable.

          The insult revolves around why a lesbian couple is not already “whole” and self-sufficient; why would it need a man? The questioner may be really asking, “Who is the primary decision maker?” or “Who takes out the trash?”

          There is NO man in a lesbian couple’s partnership. If you have a question about specifics, if you are close to the couple, you might want to ask your specific question. If you don’t know the couple well, you should not be asking anything too personal, just like you would not ask a straight couple you are not close to.

• “Are you sure you just haven’t met the ‘right’ man yet? Were you hurt by a man? Did you not get along with your father? Do you hate men? How do you know you’re a lesbian if you’ve never been with a man?”

          Being a lesbian is NOT how about one does or does not feel about men. It is about how one feels about women.

• Said by straight men, “Lesbians…nice, gay men…yuk.”

          Some people think by saying this, they are giving out a compliment. This is NOT a compliment. When you say this, what I hear is, “I would totally dig a threesome and want to watch, but thinking about watching or being with men makes me gag.” You are making our relationships all about SEX. Is your straight relationship all about SEX?

• “Why are some lesbians with women who look like men? Why do some lesbians wear men’s clothes? Why do all lesbians like sports?”

          You may have a “type,” a particular look you are attracted to. Some straight men, for example, prefer gals with larger chests, some only like brunettes. Some straight women like muscular men, some like men who are less muscular. Since lesbians are pretty much just plain ol’ peeps, each one of us has preferences too.

          Some lesbians wear men’s clothes because they are more comfortable. Sometimes they cost less. Sometimes we just like the look. I, for example, have worn men’s kicks for years; they fit my feet better and there are more styles to choose from.Not all lesbians like sports. Some wouldn’t know the difference between a football and a basketball. Really! (And some women who like sports are not lesbian!)

• “Are you a butch or a femme?”

          This is another question that many lesbians find insulting, and I find humorous. Again, like the question about “which is the man,” it is based on the heterosexual norm. There are some lesbian couples where a “butch-femme” paradigm is important and there are some where it is not. Some women self-identify as butch and some identify as femme, some as both, some as neither. My question to people who ask this is, “What do you REALLY want to know?”

• “Why do gays and lesbians have to flaunt their sexuality all the time? I don’t publicize what I do in the bedroom!”

          This is a bit circular, but the best way I can answer this. Within the 10 days of joining a new company, I know who just about all the straight people are, and no one has said one thing about their bedroom. I know because people have photos on their desks and talk about what they did the night before (“My wife and I went to Johnny’s last night, and the pizza was not as good as usual.”) or over the weekend. (“My husband and I spent all day getting three kids to three different soccer games.”)So, if I have pictures of my family on my desk or talk about my wife, what am I flaunting?

• And, the “biggie” – “Don’t you know what the Bible says about homosexuality?”

          Yes, I do, and I did even before I spent 7.5 years in seminary getting my Masters of Divinity. Somehow, many straight people seem to think that a) gays and lesbians have no Biblical literacy or b) care what they think the Bible says about homosexuality.I have no intention in this post to get into what is a sin and what is not. Like many gays and lesbians, I’ve struggled with my faith and my sexuality. Like many, but not as many as I’d hope, I have reconciled what were once conflicting feelings.

          That’s all I’m going to say on this topic for now….

This post is part of the February Synchroblog “Cross Gender Friendships”. I will list the links to all the contributions at the end of this post as soon as they are available.

For those of you who may not know, there is controversy in the Christian (particularly Evangelical) community about the appropriateness of platonic cross-gender friendships. Many Christians believe such friendships are dangerous. There is a feeling that “men are so sex-crazed and women are so vulnerable” that a sexual relationship is almost guaranteed to occur. The way to prevent such “dangerous” relationships is to follow rules such as “a married man should never allow a woman other than his wife to ride in his car when it is just the two of them” or “a woman should never be friends with a married man who is not married to her.”

Because, you know, men just can’t HELP themselves from, well, “helping themselves” and women are so vulnerable  that they are unable to fend off inappropriate sexual contact (such as sex with a married man or with a man who is not her husband). (Perhaps even worse, this paradigm makes it appear women are not capable of high sex drives or needs for sexual satisfaction and that men are unable to be vulnerable.)

Many of my readers are no doubt laughing right now. I can almost see the collective shaking of heads and hear the comments about “those Christians” or “those silly heterosexuals.” It’s really not funny though, because these mindsets hurt everyone, not just those who attend churches where this mindset is deeply embedded. This belief system naturally extends into non-church environments; for example, the workplace. How can men and women work together as equals if men are afraid they cannot control themselves and women are afraid all men are only after “one thing”?

Perhaps the “straights” could learn something about platonic friendships from Gay and Lesbian Christians? Is the question really whether individuals are capable of simultaneous emotionally and spiritually intimate relationships with others while involved in a physical, emotional, and spiritually intimate relationship with one’s spouse? Does emotional intimacy have a limit? Does emotional intimacy with another automatically mean emotional adultery with one’s spouse?

Imagine if this same fear of heterosexual, cross-gender Christian friendships was found among Gay and Lesbian (not to mention Bisexual) Christians? Lesbians would not have any deep friendships with other Lesbians and Gays would not have any deep friendships with other Gays? Huh? That just does not make sense, does it?

Maybe it is not an issue in the GLB community for the very reasons it IS an issue for some heterosexuals. GLB people do not tend to conform to heterosexual gender roles. Gays, for example, tend to be able to show vulnerability and intimacies that are not physical more than straight men. Lesbians do not tend to minimize their need for sexual satisfaction the way that many straight women do (after all, “good” girls do not have those desires, right?).

The thought that a friendship of any sort is going to go somewhere that one party does not want it to go makes it seem like we are not individuals with freedom of choice and the ability to control our own lives. When presented with a path that is not one we personally are comfortable with, we have to trust we are each mature enough to recognize any danger signs and turn back. Our walk with the Holy is filled with bumps and detours and lessons.  All of our intimate relationships should contain well-defined and agreed to boundaries, as well as shared prayers for guidance. It is only in this way that initial feelings of discomfort will be aired and not left to fester or be acted upon in any inappropriate ways.

Here is the Link List for the February Synchroblog: Cross Gender Friendships.  

Chris Jefferies – Best of both

Jeremy Myers – Are Cross-Gender Friendships Possible

Lynne Tait – Little Boxes

Dan Brennan – Cross-Gender Friendship: Jesus and the Post-Romantic Age

Glenn Hager – Sluts and Horndogs

Jennifer Ellen – A Different Kind of Valentine

Alise Wright – What I get from my cross-gender friend

Liz Dyer – Cross-Gender Friendships and the Church

Paul Sims – Navigating the murky water of cross-gender friendships

Jonalyn Fincher – Why I Don’t Give out Sex like Gold Star Stickers

Amy Martin – Friendship: The most powerful force against patriarchy, sexism, and other misunderstands about people who happen to not be us, in this case, between men & women

Maria Kettleson Anderson – Myth and Reality: Cross-Gender Friendships

Bram Cools – Nothing More Natural Than Cross-Gender Friendships?

Hugo Schwyzer – Feelings Aren’t Facts: Living Out Friendship Between Men and Women

Marta Layton – True Friendship: Two Bodies, One Soul

Kathy Escobar – The Road To Equality Is Paved With Friendship

Karl Wheeler – Friends at First Sight

Jim Henderson – Jesus Had A Thing for Women and So Do I

Elizabeth Chapin – 50 Shades of Friendship

D. L. Webster – Expressing Love Outside of Romance